Large groups (with some new people sprinkled in)

Hey! Look! I found a topic! Let's all rejoice in happiness for me!

Anyway, entry time:

Large groups make me shut off. I hate them. Whenever I'm in them, my brain says "Well, you're not allowed to talk to anyone, because no one would want to talk to you. You're too awkward!" So, what ends up happening with me is I just stand in a corner and don't talk to anyone, or, if possible, I leave. The problem is I legitimately don't have any control over this. I want to talk to people! I really really really do! But, my brain says that I can't, and I shy away. Another problem is my definition of a large group is different from everyone else's, 8 or nine people is WAY too many for me, which is why I'm quite worried that if my group of friends keeps expanding, I will just freeze and stop being a part of them, which would make me legitimately sad, because I LOVE my friends. (OLD BLOG ENTRY ALERT: People who like me are awesome, the entry to thank my friends for being my friends, and sticking with me through the awkward stage of knowing me, and being just plain awesome). I don't want to leave them, but if the group gets too big, I won't be able to handle it and I would have to go back to being the awkward kid in the class with no friends. I hate this, because I feel like a jerk saying "No new people!" because if someone new in the class has no friends, I'd feel HORRIBLE saying "Well, sorry, because I can't handle too many people you have to go find other friends. These ones are taken." I'm even a little cautious about adding Rohun to the group. He's pretty cool, but the way the group was before this was PERFECT. Now everything is changing and I don't like it. (I want a time machine (TARDIS) to go back to last year, when life made sense and everything was happy. My sister was still here and I only had 5 people in my group!). It's also not that I don't like Rohun! I do! But the problem is my socialness...I don't have any...New people SCARE ME! I'm not kidding, they legitimately scare me. Meeting new people is like one of my least favorite activities to do! Second only to public speaking (and maybe dying).

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm not a bad person. I'm just a very...I really don't want to use the term socially awkward here, because I'm legitimately trying to be serious right now...nervous (?) person. When in large groups or meeting new people (or, in my worst nightmares, being in large groups while meeting new people) I'm just really nervous that...well I don't even know what I'm nervous about, but I REALLY am. I wish it were different, but it's not. I want to be social, outgoing, extroverted. More than anything in the world, but my brain WON'T LET ME. It's just telling me to go into that corner and don't let anyone notice me, and it sucks more than anything.

Well, that's my feelings on large groups (and a little bit on my feelings about meeting new people). Hope you enjoyed reading about my awkwardness.


P.S. I just got three pageviews from Russia! Welcome!