In which I wonder if I have actual friends

Hi everyone on the internet. I'm still here. Still feel pretty shitty. It would be incredibly nice if I knew WHY I felt this shitty. Bare in mind, it's not like a physical shitty feeling, it's a mental shitty feeling. I feel mentally shitty, basically. Recently, as I've been talking to my friends, I feel like I'm just being annoying them and they just want me to go away. I don't know whether or not this is true, but it's how I feel. I would go away...if I had somewhere else to go. But, sadly, I have very few friends. I basically talk to the same people. They talk to others as well as me so I guess, if they are annoyed, it's probably because I keep talking to them and they don't want to keep talking to me...I don't know. I hate having this fear that my friends are only friends with me out of pity, and not because they actually like me. I actually like them, if that makes a difference. The only friend who I honestly have never felt is only being friends with me out of pity is Aki. I don't know why it's only her, but I really hope that she isn't my only friend who actually likes me. Fuck emotions! Why must we have them? They're great sometimes, but when they're bad, they can be really bad. I also wish my brain didn't just jump to these conclusions of feelings, if that makes sense.

Well, I hope my friends are actual friends. Merakjhakldjhalkdhal emotions.


TO MY FRIENDS WHO READ THIS: No offense to you guys, you guys are awesome. In my intelligent mind, I don't really think you guys are the kind of people who would just be friends with me out of pity, but it's my subconscious that gives me these ideas, and then they somehow become rational ideas and then my brain becomes scared that my friends aren't real...I hope you guys aren't mad that I think this!!!!!!

PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON!!!!