Stupid Inscurities

You know what suck? Insecurities. They really do. I'm going to say right now I'm not really insecure about who I am, I'm pretty sure I know who I am. I am a scientist. But, what I am insecure about are my friends. I've made that post about how I only think they like me out of pity, and a part of me still thinks that, and it really sucks. I get really scared about that sometimes. But that's not this entry. This entry is still about friends and stuff, but different insecurities I have about them.

Specifically, how much they ACTUALLY want to be my friends. It's the other scenario I have in my mind about them. Here's the basics of what it is.

They are my friends because they like me, but only to an extent. When someone new who is more interesting/better than me comes along, they will just leave me.

Yes, I actually fear this happening. A lot. It's really suckish. That's why I don't like other people too. Because in all likelyhood, they will be better than me at being a friend and my friends will like them better. This is also why I don't like adding new people to the group. I know I'm a selfish douchebag. I acknowledge that. I've told this to Erika and she says I'm not a douchebag, but I really am.

Also, another one of my problems (not as much of an insecurity, but more like something that I wish weren't true, but is) is that I don't have any like REALLY good friends. I have "best" friends, but that term doesn't really mean much. I mean anyone who's been friends with Erika for like more than a month ends up being her best friend, so it's not a very special title. All of my friends have like REALLY good friends, but I'm just kind of here being their like "hey, look, it's you" type friend. Sometimes I feel like I'm their really good friend, but other times I feel like I'm just bothering them if I try and interact with them. So, that's normally why I just go to my locker while they're all doing stuff at the wall. I don't want to be a nuisance, so I just leave.

I don't really know why I feel this way. But, I do. I feel like a horrible person for even assuming that any of my friends would do any of this. I guess I am a horrible person, but I don't even know.



Okay, everyone: I'm sorry this blog is sometimes one giant pity party for me. I don't mean it to be. I mean to explain to the world what I am feeling at the moment I'm writing the entry, but it ends up being a pity party. I'm sorry! I hope you all don't hate me. (There I fucking go again...I am sorry)

Also, yay 100th entry! Not as though anyone actually cares, but still, I thought I'd point it out.