Public Speaking

First off, something completely unrelated to the entry: My friend Aki and I are going to plug each other's blog in a post on our own in an attempt to see if we can get more viewers. Here is her blog, it's called Laughing at Dragons. She mostly blogs about her life and stuff, it's pretty interesting. Her blogs are a lot better than mine...

Now, onto the entry:

Public speaking and I have a very twisted and horrible relationship. I hate it and it hates me right back. Here's the problem: my elective at school for the next three months is a class about public speaking. How anyone thought this was a good idea is beyond my comprehension. How I thought it was a good idea is also beyond me. My mindset was to get it out of the way sophomore year. I guess I must have been in denial or something about the content of the class. I may not have space for electives next year, as I plan to double up in science, but senior year I will be doing electives! Why I didn't wait until then is  beyond me. This year was supposed to be awesome. So far, it hasn't been (because of speech).

Now, on to why I don't like public speaking. But, first, a little background on me. Anyone who has just met me will perceive me as a quiet person who doesn't really talk to anyone else. But, anyone who knows me knows I'm anything but quiet. Around my friends, I'm a completely different person. The main difference is I actually talk. If speech class were just my friends and the teacher, I'd pass no problem. The problem is that there are people who I don't know in the class, people I hate, and no one I'm friends with. All of these factors combined equal my death. I legitimately hate talking in front of people who I don't know. It is almost guaranteed that I will do something stupid, as I get nervous and then don't think, which is a problem. Another problem is my thoughts (for when I do think). One problem is I overthink EVERYTHING (which is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous about this class. I just keep thinking of ALL OF THE WAYS IT COULD GO WRONG), so during impromptu speeches I will have stupid pauses where I'm overthinking what to say next, if it makes sense, etc. etc. blah blah blah. The other problem with my thoughts is that they aren't very, um, orderly. They're kind of all over the place. I jump from topic to topic as I'm thinking and it doesn't always make sense when I speak. My close friends normally understand what I mean, but as I don't know anyone in the class, I will just confuse EVERYONE and fail the class. Another very strange problem I have with public speaking is the location in which you speak from. Normally, it's at the front of the room at the lectern. That's where my mind says "WHAT?!?!?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!?!? Oh, well, to calm you down, here's all of the ways this could go horribly wrong and how you could make a complete fool of yourself!" Thanks mind, I really appreciate it, now let me run away and jump into a hole and not come out, thank you. If I were speaking from my seat, this would actually be a lot easier. It's stupid human psychology, and I hate it. There's no real reason that the location should make a difference, but it does. My final problem I have with public speaking is what I have to talk about. If I could just give speeches on astronomy, that were just facts and stuff, I would be like "Yay! I can talk about that easily" But, no. I must give speeches about other people, how to do something useful, a humorous speech, and a persuasive speech. That's a lot of badness. Thankfully I get to do one informative speech, but that's one project out of 8. If I do well on that one, but fail the others, I still won't pass the class, and then I'd have to take it again and die a second time. (If you want detail on each assignment, I made an entry about this on my old blog; have fun reading it, if you so desire.)

So, that's my relationship to public speaking. As I said, it's twisted and horrible. I want to be good at it, I really really really really really really really really do, but there's just something about it that scares me to death, literally. Blogging has actually helped slightly, as I'm now SLIGHTLY (key word, slightly) more comfortable sharing my opinions, but I haven't been doing it long enough to make a real impact on my personality.